And The Beat Goes On

In getting in tune to who I am, what I want and the energy I possess, I've been stepping back from social media, from things that cause me to worry, from activities that may cause resistance or negative feelings. Social media is the absolute worst for this! Yesterday, I wasn't really participating but the computer was sitting right next to me as I was painting and a post popped up.  This young man was slamming someone else who unfriended him, because the two were wasting extensive energy arguing over religion.  The post was made in a mocking way asking others how laughable was it. I pointed out it was a laughable as his slamming the guy for everyone to see because they didn't believe alike. He kept trying to draw me into the narrative and overlooking the statement I made. I let him know I really didn't care about the conversation or the content of it and stated how he came to a place where it was okay for him to slam the guy publicly over their differen...

When I leave Alabama, I will not have a job and I never plan to get another. I'm putting my husband in the rightful position he should have had all along, protector and provider. I'm not above waiting tables two or three times a week, because I enjoy it and it's a vehicle for connections, but it's not a priority. Working and generating income are two entirely separate things.  I will be generating income daily. I have a skill that is marketable where I'm going. I'm trusting the universe to take care of me, I'm staying in my vibration of abundance and if it's not fun I really don't want to do it. I have a stock pile of paintings, am painting as we speak and now have a specific audience in mind.  I have plenty of makeup to sell and that will bring me other connections. I'm so excited for this new movement of energy in my life! There is an incubation period of time that has to lapse before we can get there from here, but we will...

There's so much going on in my life right this minute and I'm totally tuned in to the universe. We made a decision four days ago to move to Panama City Florida and today we got a line on a place we can buy! I'm so very excited! It's happening much faster than we planned and that's so wonderful! I loved the vibration there and I've outgrown Alabama, its time to move on, to the next big adventure. I'm going to Florida to become a Mary Kay millionaire.  I'm going to Florida to sell art.  I'm going to Florida to start the next chapter of my life! It all makes so much sense!  My love for mermaids, my love of painting the ocean and my love of fish. The decision was made with weeping and overwhelming joy. It's a part of me now, it's real, it's happening without my putting any effort into it and I'm no longer afraid. I'm training my daughter in law to take over my job and I'm not even looking for a job, I'...

I absolutely had no other choice than to turn off all the voices.  I feel like I'm at war with everything and everyone. It's a place that's quiet, there's only me there, but I feel so powerful for having done it. No voices, no testimonies, no questions, no comments, no likes. I've been sitting here at this table painting. I'm there, listening to myself, flowing in a positive energy. Went back to some Jake Ducey, energy, the law of attraction, good vibrations. No academics, no scholars, no preachers, no artist, just me, Darlene.  Peaceful and quiet, with nothing to say. Paint and brushes and canvas.

Over the last year or so I've come to a new place in my journey. I friended someone on social media who taught me how to ask questions, how to look for answers, how to use my own brain concerning spiritual matters and God. By the way the picture is of the street corner I used to buy drugs on and prostituted from. I've been keeping it to myself for many reasons but mostly because it is mine and mine alone and I didn't want to share it with anyone until I was sure where I stood concerning everything religious. Lines are going to be drawn, people who I thought were my friends are going to reject me and walk away, others have already done so. My husband came home for the first time in almost two years in January and before he arrived I made a decision to walk away from everything and dedicate my time and energy to his wellness.  So far so good.  He's working, has some clean time, is selfishly protecting his sobriety and I'm okay with that. First it wa...

  I was that girl, on fire for God.  I had something to say, the thought of people who might want to hear what I had to say and years and years and years of constant bible reading.   I didn't even know what deconstruction was! I'd never in my life heard the term preterism, never heard a whisper of Israel Only, or the Creating Christ Camp.  I believe the latter rather than the former. What do you do with all of it? I'm going to be honest and just come out and say it I don't know anything anymore and I don't want to participate in the church circus because of it. Indoctrination is like a slow poison, it seeps a little at a time, it is in no hurry to blend in and finish the job, it enjoys the suffering and the gasping for air. There's an old saying that poison is a woman's weapon, funny how "the church" chose it. I see manipulation, lies, half truths, things that should have been said that weren't, the complete hijacking of th...

Not sure if anyone has noticed and don't really care if they have because I'm in that place, but I've ditched everyone. Yes.  I know, it's terrible, to stop being sociable, me of all people! Anyway, I'm laying in bed tonight, should be asleep because I have to get up early in the morning and drive to Pine Level to take my grandson, DJ, to school. Had a movie date night with my husband, something we haven't done in the last few weeks, because I paint and he plays video games. I moved my painting out of the bedroom, so he could have the desk and the game console, because there isn't enough room in there for us both.  It's really working out because I've produced more paintings over the last week than in the last three months and he's happy playing GTA and some of the internet platform stuff. I've had nothing to say about any of it until tonight. Me not having anything to say. Yeah I know, it's not necessarily a good thi...

I spent most of my life, walking away, running away, letting things go and moving on. No stability whatsoever.  My mother died right before I turned 21 and she was the only glue that held it all together. She was good as gold and I was a selfish spoiled brat, her oldest daughter, strong and willful.  She raised me to be that way, wanted me to be stronger than she had been and this caused great rifts in our relationship from time to time. She gave me things I didn't care about, things I didn't know how to appreciate and she introduced me to chinese food.  The chinese food is all I have left and it has been one of the greatest loves of my life. She was a haridresser and though I didn't know it at the time, made me totally cool with all the stuff she did to my hair. I'm 51 and I still miss her.  She would have absolutely loved all of these children or our's, the grandchildren that have come along. From the day she died I was pretty much homeless and ...

What's different you may ask. I'm different, he's different, this time is different. There's so many re-runs that happen when dealing with addiction, people we love who are addicted and our own issues during the process, we sometimes get caught in the loop of the happenings. We have a lot of water under the bridge, when I say a lot of water, I mean seventeen years of water. A lot has happened, hurt, disappointment, panic, anxiety, you name it its happened. This time is different. Why? We are making it different. This time is a new time, something new is happening and we are treating it that way. This time we've both made a decision together as to what helps us progress forward together.  It's not me or him, it's us together. Will the same things happen? I don't know. I'm not living in fear of them. We're discussing what's best for the team, for the future. He's different, beat down, broken in some wa...

I'm in a place of great happiness, today and I've decided most of the situations in my life are not for me to fix. Addiction causes more than just the immediate problem of a person is getting high.  It causes huge rifts in all the relationships around that person. For instance, I have three sons and they love me.  They love my husband because I love him, because he's been in their lives for so many years, but there is a huge gulf between them that needs to be mended right now.  His actions have hurt them, disappointed them and every time they see him they begin building more walls, because they don't want to be hurt. They have a vested interest in wanting to see him well and their mother happy in her marriage.  For the record I've always been happy in my marriage, it's just this one thing that turns everything upside down.  My husband is a hopeless romantic, he's got a heart of gold, children and animals love him and he's never been mean to ...

Heaven came into my life in the last thirteen or fourteen hours. I made that run. I had to.  He's got to be busy and I've plenty to keep him busy until the time comes for him to go. He's not going to another rehab, he's going to a bible school.  (OH LAWD) I was laying there, next to him, absolutely nothing wrong in my world in that moment, completely alive, thankful and happy. 21 Months and 7 Days.  2 is us 1 is HIM and 7 is the number of completion.  That's how long it has been since we've seen one another on the same page.  That's how long it's been since....................... Today is a new day. Today we are starting over. Today we make better choices. Today is new and uncharted territory for us and there is no place to go but forward. Man, it's beautiful! No one can tell me anything today! I feel so good, there's nothing that could be better.  My dog snoring in his cage, my husband sleeping in my bed and no fea...