What's Different?

What's different you may ask.

I'm different, he's different, this time is different.

There's so many re-runs that happen when dealing with addiction, people we love who are addicted and our own issues during the process, we sometimes get caught in the loop of the happenings.

We have a lot of water under the bridge, when I say a lot of water, I mean seventeen years of water.

A lot has happened, hurt, disappointment, panic, anxiety, you name it its happened.

This time is different.

Why?

We are making it different.

This time is a new time, something new is happening and we are treating it that way.

This time we've both made a decision together as to what helps us progress forward together.  It's not me or him, it's us together.

Will the same things happen?

I don't know.

I'm not living in fear of them.

We're discussing what's best for the team, for the future.

He's different, beat down, broken in some way, you might even say tired.

I am not complaining and I never will.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not letting old fears or memories dictate today's happenings.

Yeah I know, it totally sounds crazy but that's what's up.

I'm not jumping out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure he's still here.  Which is crazy in the first place because he's never taken off during the night, not ever.

I'm not feeling the need to hide the bank card, the truck keys, anything I've felt I needed to protect in the past.

A decision has been made to better our life together and we made it together.

He's getting ready to leave, knowing it's the best thing.  He's not trying to talk me out of it or manipulate my heart in any way and I don't want him to go, but I know he has to.

We are doing something different and that requires hard decisions to be made.

There are those moments when you are so thankful to just be in their presence, when all the bad slips away and you see the person you love for who they are.

We've been having movie dates.  Sitting in the bed together, watching movies, just glad to be close to one another.

He could have died.

It's not hard to do down there, it happens every single day.  If the dope didn't kill him someone else could have.

Last night, I'm laying there, his head on my chest, he's holding my hand (something he doesn't do very often, because we have this joke that thugs don't hold hands) and I was just so damned thankful in that moment.  He didn't see the tears that slipped down my cheeks, he probably couldn't feel the loved that was overflowing out of my heart like a broken dam, but he was there, in our bed, close to me, my husband.

I don't care what could happen, I care about what is happening now and years and years of being apart slip away in those moments.  Forgiveness washes over me again and again.

Be encouraged.

I know I'm not the only one.

I know some of you are in the same struggle, feel like it is a nightmare some times, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be willing to keep looking for it.  You have to make a daily choice to love them, to hope for them, to give them every opportunity to do the right thing and even if they don't you love them regardless.

You have to make a choice to start new again and again, because that's really the only choice you have if you aren't going to walk away and love never really lets us walk away.

If this is you, or someone you love, don't give up.

It's a day to day journey and some of those days are lived in moments.

There's a person underneath the nightmare.

There's someone in there worth loving.

There's someone who is so valuable struggling to get out.