And The Beat Goes On

I spent most of my life, walking away, running away, letting things go and moving on. No stability whatsoever.  My mother died right before I turned 21 and she was the only glue that held it all together. She was good as gold and I was a selfish spoiled brat, her oldest daughter, strong and willful.  She raised me to be that way, wanted me to be stronger than she had been and this caused great rifts in our relationship from time to time. She gave me things I didn't care about, things I didn't know how to appreciate and she introduced me to chinese food.  The chinese food is all I have left and it has been one of the greatest loves of my life. She was a haridresser and though I didn't know it at the time, made me totally cool with all the stuff she did to my hair. I'm 51 and I still miss her.  She would have absolutely loved all of these children or our's, the grandchildren that have come along. From the day she died I was pretty much homeless and ...

What's different you may ask. I'm different, he's different, this time is different. There's so many re-runs that happen when dealing with addiction, people we love who are addicted and our own issues during the process, we sometimes get caught in the loop of the happenings. We have a lot of water under the bridge, when I say a lot of water, I mean seventeen years of water. A lot has happened, hurt, disappointment, panic, anxiety, you name it its happened. This time is different. Why? We are making it different. This time is a new time, something new is happening and we are treating it that way. This time we've both made a decision together as to what helps us progress forward together.  It's not me or him, it's us together. Will the same things happen? I don't know. I'm not living in fear of them. We're discussing what's best for the team, for the future. He's different, beat down, broken in some wa...

I'm in a place of great happiness, today and I've decided most of the situations in my life are not for me to fix. Addiction causes more than just the immediate problem of a person is getting high.  It causes huge rifts in all the relationships around that person. For instance, I have three sons and they love me.  They love my husband because I love him, because he's been in their lives for so many years, but there is a huge gulf between them that needs to be mended right now.  His actions have hurt them, disappointed them and every time they see him they begin building more walls, because they don't want to be hurt. They have a vested interest in wanting to see him well and their mother happy in her marriage.  For the record I've always been happy in my marriage, it's just this one thing that turns everything upside down.  My husband is a hopeless romantic, he's got a heart of gold, children and animals love him and he's never been mean to ...