And The Beat Goes On

Oh my goodness! There are days when I just don't get it! It's like this horrible joke has been played on all of us and we fell for it. Since we live in a world where blow dryers have tags on them telling you not to take a bath with them, it is necessary for me to say right off the rip: don't get twisted up in what I'm about to say. I love my bible(s).  They are my most prized possessions.  There's the tried and true New King James I've been carrying for the past fourteen years, the 400th anniversary King James I've had for seven years, that's just as confusing as it ever was, but as gorgeous as any hundred dollar bible would be. A new American Standard I just purchased as my groovy little black preacher bible with the cross on the front of it.  There are several more scattered about the house, one a 1958 family bible, not my family of course, but its one of my bibles nevertheless. If I read, I read the bible. It's an amazing book, fu...

Yesterday something totally new and different happened to me and it was astonishing as well as amazing. We went to the pride march and stood on the steps of the capital with signs of love and support for those in that community. There were protesters there and I've decided for the entirety of my lifetime I will never protest the protesters. What can you say to them to change their minds?  Nothing. They believe they are right and it's just the way it is. It's alright.  I don't have to respond.  I refuse to make myself look crazy to those who don't know me trying to prove a point.  Not my style.  In this case I believe my silence speaks much louder than words. I have no desire to shout louder than them whatsoever. It was totally cool and made me feel so powerful walking away with a smile on their face asking our Daddy to fix their hearts. All I could keep thinking to myself was "All that love going to waste over something they've wrongly ...

You don't know what they did to me Darlene. They hurt me. I know, I've been hurt too. I'll never forgive them for what they did to me. You're going to have to if you want to get better. But you don't know what they did. I don't have to know, the same kinds of things have happened to me too. We have a tendency to hold tight to things:  pain, hurts, baggage, every little thing that made us feel a certain kind of way. Holding on to those kinds of things is like trying to hold a handful of sand, it's all slipping through your fingers in the first place, but still you hold tight.  The tighter you try to grasp it the more it slips away. Your pain can be a prison or a platform, it's always your choice. What are you going to do with it? If you make it your prison, it's going to make you sick and take you to some deep dark places.  It's gonna twist you up and mess up your heart as well as your head. When we hold on to those pa...

Oh my goodness!   So I'm trying to build my influence and in doing this I'm sharing to more and more groups. I've had a flood of new friend requests, so after checking to make sure they aren't fake accounts and religious extremist I've added a lot of new people as friends. This immediately caused my messenger to go off the charts! I'm not that person who fusses or complains about chain mail, just another way my friends let me know they are thinking of me, but this flood of incoming messages from new people is too much! I have a page!  You're welcome to look at it, post on it, participate in the discussions that go on there.  Why are you private messaging me?  I absolutely detest the ones that call me babe or try being super familiar.  The worst part is they continue to message me whether I respond or not and some of them have gotten down right nasty about it. Um excuse me, what if I didn't have messenger in the first place?  You'...

Yes, I'm talking to my husband again, dang it. We should go ahead and get that out of the way right now. I know all the things I've said, I know the things I've purposed in my heart and I know the hell he's put me through. Grace over looks those things, forgives and forgets and stays open to give love. It had to be God that made me take the phone call because I've been blocking numbers and hanging up on him for over a year now. It's gonna have to be God for everything else as well. I'm exhausted.  Sixteen years of madness. We met in the streets, both of us full blown crack addicts, homeless, alone. It's so dumb but I loved him the minute I laid eyes on him and didn't even know his name. I've taken him back time and time again, gone through crazy stuff every single time, tried saving him for years. Guess what?  I can't save him! Guess what else?  I'm too tired to try anymore! It would be so much easier if he we...

This morning I could almost take a deep breath and exhale without some emotion choking it off. Almost. I know I'm not the only one going through something.  There are people in the world going through stuff so serious, for me to talk about my problems or what has happened to me is trivial in their lives. We all have the same story, the details are just different. Not even God could comfort me in the earlier part of the week! Yeah I know, that's pretty freaking lame, but honesty is a strong suit for me. I'm pretty sure I've ridden the roller coaster of every single emotion a person could possibly have this week and this morning I'm just so thankful to not wake up crying, feeling sick to my stomach and wishing I could just go ahead and throw up, get it over with. Praise God today is a new day. Halleluiah I made it!  It doesn't matter that I'm still trying to see the bright side of things, what matters is I am here, because some people ...

I've had my heart broken many times in this life, but never this way. A silence has fallen over my house.  It's heavy and real and you can almost take hold of it in your hand. One minute I want to scream, the next I want to throw up. All day long God showed me pictures, pointed out how I'd missed some signs, encouraged me, loved on me. It's so strange, they aren't here. For the first time in 13 years I didn't hear their barks.  They loved barking at people. The first time I ever spoke at Grace Life I talked about Curly and Madison and how God had used them as an example for me. I'm exhausted, my brain processing information over and over again.  Finally God said to me, "It's alright Darlene, I have them."

I have to talk about it otherwise my heart will be forever broken.  I so wish I could stop crying. 13 years I've had Curly and Madison.  They came to me as soon as I was out of the streets, I met them the day they were born and they went everywhere with me from then on. Do you have any idea what my house feels like without Madison and Curly here? I've been sick to my stomach and feeling the need to throw up ever since. I loved them.  I gave them the best life ever!  They were my very best friends. 13 years is a good long life for a dog.  They've been healthy and happy and loved their entire lives. Their quality of life was beginning to diminish.  Madison was in pain and did not feel well. I feel like I might scream. I was gonna take the coward's way out and send them with my girls, but Caryl encouraged me to be with them, to love on them, to have those last few moments and they were the most beautiful and heart breaking moments of my ...