Truths and people with pitchforks and torches

Not sure if anyone has noticed and don't really care if they have because I'm in that place, but I've ditched everyone.

Yes.  I know, it's terrible, to stop being sociable, me of all people!

Anyway, I'm laying in bed tonight, should be asleep because I have to get up early in the morning and drive to Pine Level to take my grandson, DJ, to school.

Had a movie date night with my husband, something we haven't done in the last few weeks, because I paint and he plays video games.

I moved my painting out of the bedroom, so he could have the desk and the game console, because there isn't enough room in there for us both.  It's really working out because I've produced more paintings over the last week than in the last three months and he's happy playing GTA and some of the internet platform stuff.

I've had nothing to say about any of it until tonight.

Me not having anything to say.

Yeah I know, it's not necessarily a good thing.

Anyway, life goes on and no one has really missed me because they are so busy with their own lives they haven't even noticed that I've been gone.

Yes, there are all these little religious sayings about people isolating, blah blah blah.

I'm focusing on what's important to me, that's my husband, my children, my home, my art and whatever else pleases me and gives me peace.

No one else takes care of that for me or can give that to me.

As for God, I don't want to hear about your God or their God or discuss what anyone actually thinks and believes about God, because what a freaking train wreck all of that is in the first place!

It's probably safe to say I've deconstructed religion to a point I think christians are merely more insane than the rest and I don't want to participate in their cognitive dissonance and the wrongly writing themselves into a two thousand year old narrative that doesn't have jack shit to do with them or anyone else.  I've come to know some hard truths and who cares if you agree with me or not, I certainly don't and have come to a place where it's none of your damned business what I believe or don't believe and that's my right.  It's between me and the being who created me and it's not based out of a book about first century Jews or the myths that it contains.

Before I go any further, everyone that knows me should know I still love them, I still value them, but for now this is where I am and this is where I will choose to remain and it's nothing personal toward anyone, it's just where I am.

I have a problem with excuses, beggars, victim mentality and anything that's fake.  Anyone who really knows me knows this, it's just the way it is, it's how I'm hard wired.

I've been through it and I'm tough as hell and although I try hard to be, I'm not nice all the time and I use the wonderful brain that's been deposited in my head and tough as I am, I'm not tough enough to be stupid.

That being said, I don't want to participate any longer, I don't need to be a part of, I accept myself, so I don't need other people's approval.

There's a man back there asleep in my bed who I think the world of, who I love simply because I love him.  He's trying so hard to be what he thinks he should be, more than likely only because I love him and believe he can be anything he wants.

I don't expect anyone else to love him, he is mine.

I don't expect anything from anyone but I always live in great expectancy of wonderful things about to happen.

I'm freakin exhausted.  I've planned parties, events, get togethers, street runs and you know what happens?  No one shows up!

I invite others on every single adventure I ever have in mind, no one shows up.

I try selling things, to generate more cash for my household, no one responds.

I say what's on my mind and people accuse me of ragging everybody out.

I'm not hiding behind being nice right this second, I'm not using that super spiritual grace shield to tell a half truth about the state I'm in.

People suck, they are selfish, they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves and if you don't believe me just park your car on the side of the expressway and start calling people to see who shows up for you.

Everyone's heart is not the same.  Some people talk a good talk but don't walk it.  Some people aren't sober, they aren't doing their drug of choice any longer, hoping no one else notices and because I'm me and I know some things, people who are using anything they feel the slightest bit guilty about, they start avoiding me, because game recognizes game and God forbid anyone actually have some issues they aren't ashamed of or trying to cover up so no one else will see them.

Right this second, I'm done.

Screw everyone else's feelings for just a heart beat, what about me?

What about my feelings?

What about the hurts I've suffered at the hands of those I thought love me?

Yeah, screw them!

The one thing I've been telling him all this time is, "don't be ashamed and don't make excuses just own your shit."

I'm owning my shit.

I don't want to be a part of anything I feel is less than honest, less than truthful, less than what I would want to present to the entire world.  Am I perfect or striving to be?  Hell no!  I will not go along with the status quo even if it kills me!

What about being honest and just saying what you really think?

Quit trying to dress everything up in nice-ness and just be you!

I'm over it!  That's what I think!

I want to be loved all the time, not just because you saw me or ran into me somewhere!

I want to be valuable to everyone I meet, the same way they are valuable to me!

I've stepped away from everything and everyone and it's actually comical how no one has really noticed, because they are caught up in their own lives.

It's fine, I'm okay with it.

As for God, either He loves us all of He doesn't and it seems to me there's a lot of stuff He just really don't care about, because the church is in a two thousand year spiral of wrong teaching, wrong belief, and crucifixion over writings.  Writings they don't really understand, that have been passed down pulpit to pulpit the wrong way until everyone is in a state of mind control and ignorance that reeks havoc on the rest of the world and leaves the poor scholars being beaten down by "God's people" and anyone that brings forth a good question or a new understanding of scripture is no better than the pagans they took half their traditions from.

Me personally, I'm painting, I love my husband, I love my family, I love everybody but I really don't give a flying rats ass what you believe or who your god is.

I don't have to worry about being left alone because I've never really been in company, definitely not one of the cool kids.

I feel so stupid for things I've said and done.  I've called people my friends for years who I don't even have their phone numbers or have ever been invited to their house or out with them, who have never set foot in my own house or accepted my invitations.  What kind of idiot does that?

Me, obviously.

I'm rebuilding from the ground up what I truly believe and if you don't mind I'm not going to share it with you, because it's not my intention to hurt anyone and you'd only attack me for it anyway, because isn't that the way it works?  We destroy anyone who doesn't agree with us or believe the same things we do, never mind no two believe the same exact things in the first place.

I'm going to let it go at that.

Right now I believe I will go and crawl back into bed with my husband, the most important person in the world to me and I'm going to stop letting conversations roll around in my head, people take up space for free, situations affect me one way or the other.  I'm going to edge in as close to his warm sleeping body and rest, with only hours before my alarm goes off.