My Deconstruction Story

 

I was that girl, on fire for God.  I had something to say, the thought of people who might want to hear what I had to say and years and years and years of constant bible reading.  

I didn't even know what deconstruction was!

I'd never in my life heard the term preterism, never heard a whisper of Israel Only, or the Creating Christ Camp.  I believe the latter rather than the former.

What do you do with all of it?

I'm going to be honest and just come out and say it I don't know anything anymore and I don't want to participate in the church circus because of it.

Indoctrination is like a slow poison, it seeps a little at a time, it is in no hurry to blend in and finish the job, it enjoys the suffering and the gasping for air.

There's an old saying that poison is a woman's weapon, funny how "the church" chose it.

I see manipulation, lies, half truths, things that should have been said that weren't, the complete hijacking of the new testament by Paul and a god that for the life of me I can't figure out how people could ever come to believe is good and loving and all gummy bears inside.

I'm angry, I'm disconnected, I am exhausted and I really don't care to learn anything more at this time.

Hell, come to think of it I didn't even know what legalism was!  All this garbage and confusion and dumb stuff that goes on centered around a book's teachings.

Saw someone ask how to present the cross to a bunch of little kids because it's Easter Sunday coming up..  Don't!

Good news is good news.  It's good news all the time.  Good news is full of good details.  Good news does not contain details of murders and floods and crucifixions.

I cannot believe people have been so blinded and deceived about something that never had anything to do with them in the first dang place!

Get a grip people!

Man!

Here I am, I've been to church 3 times this year, have no desire to return anytime soon.  I'm not mad at anyone and I love them all very much, I just can't stomach all of it any longer, because it's like the longest played prank in all of humanity, christianity.

Yeah I said it and you don't have to like it and I'm sorry if that offends you, but damn it, I always hated being the butt of someone's joke!

I left the streets and proceeded to lay my life down for everyone and every cause I could get my hands on and would still be doing that today had my support not run out.

I've come to a place where I want to lay my life down for my life!  I'm laying my life down for my husband's life.  I'm laying my life down for what's in my life!  I've earned that, I deserve that and I don't really care who does or doesn't like it.

His life depends on it.

He's been locked up, rehabbed, taught about recovery, forced to attend meetings, still not getting real world skills from those places, so we're working what he knows.  He has to be selfish about his sobriety and cannot deal with my madness.  The first year is staying away from old places, old people, inside the bubble.

I don't want everybody knowing about it, I don't need to broadcast any of it and I'm protecting my privacy in a way I never have, not in my entire life.

I'm staying here, with him and if I go anywhere, it'll be with him and no I'm not co-dependent, or living in a fantasy world, or being controlled by anyone.  I know who I am.  I know where I've been and where I'm going, he either adds to my life or he doesn't, there's no need there, it's all just love.

I've drug that man to church everywhere, all the time, one time three different churches in one Sunday.  I was going to church, didn't matter where I was, you better get your behind up and get ready for church and I fast on Sunday's, long time habit, don't ask me to make you breakfast, come on, we gotta go.

If he wants to lay up in my bed sleeping on Sunday mornings for the rest of his life, I don't care and

 I'm not waking him to ask him if he's going with me.

I don't put on appearances for everyone, but I also don't want everyone in my business this time.

I'm on my own journey to whatever it is we all think we are trying to get to.

I've let go of all negativity concerning my disappointment with relationships, with those I just can't seem to connect with and those who were only pretending to begin with, for as long as it made them feel good.  I'm avoiding a rare very few because I don't want to hurt them.

Hurt people hurt people and its just not necessary for those hurts to keep going around.

What's right in front of me is all I can deal with right this second.

I have a family right in front of me.  I have a man who loves me who is trying to learn how to stop doing drugs right in front of me.  I have a whole universe I secretly live in right in front of me.  There's so much more right in front of me than a computer screen and every day life.

I want that.

I want to protect that, to nurture it and watch it grow.

I don't want anyone else's advice about it or their influence.

It's beautiful to say, it's beautiful to believe, but I have discovered, we are not in this together.  There are factions and clicks and groups and the list goes on and on.

I have a precious few right in front of me and that's the only thing I want right now.

I see the arguments, debates over absolutely everything and I'm bored to freakin death by it all.

I want more from my life.

I want to do more, be more, learn more and expand my beliefs to the things my spirit has always rang true with that the ever watchful "church" discouraged me against, criticized and turned me off to by it's constant right and wrong banter.

If the Creating Christ camp is correct and my spirit feels like it is and don't give me that you can't trust your feelings bullshit, I'm from the streets and trusting my feelings kept me from getting killed many times, then it's the long played practical joke in all of human history and what a bunch of losers we really are for having believed those kinds of lies.

Don't make excuses for any of them!  They knew what they were doing and still do!  Billionaire pastors!  Either God doesn't exist or He just doesn't give a shit.

Take your pick.

"His" people are the worst example of kindness and humanity I've ever witnessed and I used to be a crack addict.  Drug addicts have more kindness and humanity for one another than "the christians" and they aren't slamming one another with stuff written in a book.

Screw you're being judgmental crap, I blogged it for a reason!

I want more.

This isn't good enough for me any longer.

I have to have more answers and I walk my talk, so you know I'll get those answers.

In the meantime I'm walking away from a church I spent the last nine years at.  A place where I thought I was loved and valued.  I've been to church three times this year when I probably didn't miss three times all of last year and eight people have hit me up wanting to know where I am.  I was calling these folks my friends!  I realized I've never been to their houses, I don't have their phone numbers, they don't invite my baby to the kiddy parties and what the hell is wrong with me?  There are many I love and will always love and several I really am friends with, but that's just not where I want to be.

Everyone there is recovering addicts, including the pastor and no one give a shit past that?

Well, my husband came home the second week of January, not one soul has showed up over here to show him some love and we ran into a couple of them and they didn't even have the common courtesy to speak to him, when he was right there!

Oh I was given the whole "He needs to come to church" speech and I shot back with, "How about being the church and reaching out to him by coming by my place?"

Crickets.

Whatever.

I'm walking away.

I don't owe anyone an explanation.

How you love me is what I see not what you say just because you ran into me.

I'm owning my shit.  I'm not accepting excuses at this time or any other.

My people just weren't my people and that's okay, my people are in their beds sleeping right this minute, I know them, they are a part of me, they want me in their lives and I am a priority.  My people are as important if not more than all the people I've called myself helping over the years and that's where I'm focusing all my energy right now.

I don't want to be in the spotlight any longer.

I still love everyone.

I'm not going to be controlled and manipulated with love ever again, not even by my own husband, so people better figure that one out.

I have no answers about God at this point, either He's there or He isn't, that's all I've got.