And The Beat Goes On

Heaven came into my life in the last thirteen or fourteen hours. I made that run. I had to.  He's got to be busy and I've plenty to keep him busy until the time comes for him to go. He's not going to another rehab, he's going to a bible school.  (OH LAWD) I was laying there, next to him, absolutely nothing wrong in my world in that moment, completely alive, thankful and happy. 21 Months and 7 Days.  2 is us 1 is HIM and 7 is the number of completion.  That's how long it has been since we've seen one another on the same page.  That's how long it's been since....................... Today is a new day. Today we are starting over. Today we make better choices. Today is new and uncharted territory for us and there is no place to go but forward. Man, it's beautiful! No one can tell me anything today! I feel so good, there's nothing that could be better.  My dog snoring in his cage, my husband sleeping in my bed and no fea...

Like I said, I'm just writing right now, to ease my own mind and to put it out in the open, just in case it helps someone else and because I may do a book later. Guess who came home last night and fell asleep with the phone before calling his wife to let her know he was okay? I'm totally grinning from ear to ear! What a great way to start the day! I was completely wrong! I love that! I went to bed fussing with God and made the obligatory "Did he come home?" phone call this morning.  Mama said he came in about ten minutes after I called the last time and took the phone to the bedroom with him.  She was so surprised?  "He didn't call you!"  No ma'am, he didn't. It's still good for me to talk about it, it heals my heart with every story. He's failed me so often I obviously have no faith in him. One more day clean, I'll take it! He made it home! That's HUGE! That's wonderful! That's what I'm ...

I'm making blog posts about the journey right now, because I may some day put a book together. Writing is my first love and I completely enjoy it, not to mention its great therapy. Today Antoine, that his name but everyone calls him Murphy, his last name, had a funeral to go to.  Nosheba's mother passed away Tuesday, someone who was good to him.  When he was in the streets she would feed him, let him cut her grass, fuss at him for messing up like mothers do and love on him. He didn't go to the wake last night because he's been so sick since relapsing. They picked him up earlier today to go to the funeral and black folks funerals are not like white folks funerals.  There will be a service at the church, people will get up and speak about the deceased, as many as would like to, another service at the burial site and then everyone goes back to the church and sits down to have dinner together.  After that, the family goes back to the house together and spend...

I Today was tough, full of anxiety, hard decisions and great restraint. I thought I would be going to Atlanta, I thought we would have some sort of time window to look at, I thought the day would play out differently than it did, but its okay. I kept hearing the Tom Petty song "The Waiting Is The Hardest Part" and having long conversations with my heart about what is the right thing for me to do. I'm not co-dependent or an enabler, but I am a rescuer and whenever possible a fixer.  I can't help it, it's totally my nature. All afternoon I had to replay my life, what it all looks like, what has played out already and what can I do differently. My heart wants to go and get him.  I haven't seen him in almost two years, he's in the trap, you can flag dope boys from the front porch.  He has very little to keep him busy and hanging around the house.  He's been sick all week, because that's what relapse does to you, especially when you...

Man oh man this love thing is something serious! A picture is worth a thousand words right?  This picture has reeled me in time and time again. Anyone who knows me knows the story of Antoine and me.  We've been together and apart for seventeen years.  We met in the streets, both of us addicted to crack. Seventeen years of prison sentences, jail time, street time and then there's the precious good times, few and far between.  We've had a couple of Thanksgiving's together, a couple of birthdays together and two or three Christmas's.  We've had one anniversary together that I can remember.  Seventeen years. He's been struggling that entire time, doing stupid stuff, hurting me, hurting himself and his mother. I've only seen him once since he left almost two years ago and that time was frightening and sad. I've taken calls and I've not taken calls.  I've been nice and I've been mean.  I've been hurt and I've been dis...

Rays of sunshine. Look, I get it, but are you going to choose to be positive or be negative? If you get up cursing the day the moment your feet hit the floor then what kind of day do you think you are going to have?  "I don't want to get up this morning."  Well, why not?  It's a whole day of possibilities stretched out in front of you.  You tell the day you don't want to get up, you're telling the day you don't want to participate.  So, the day says to itself, "Okay, I won't let you have a good day then, if that's the way you're going to be about it." Are you going to see your life as constantly falling apart and struggling or are you going to count the good stuff, focus on the better stuff, be thankful for the little stuff and keep right on moving in a positive vibration into the unknown stuff. I don't want to be unhappy or sad.  EVER! I want every day to bring me something new and something beautiful and the lov...

I love that moment in time when you realize it's just you, He's right there with you, it's okay, everything is going to be alright. Last night I put on some blues.  Yes, I like me some slow feeling sorry for myself blues. I unplug FINALLY! IT'S SO HARD! Start pouring out paint, the backgrounds have been done, create something. This morning I've got a 639 Hz , get this LOL.  Attract love, raise positive energy,  Marimba Meditation Music.  I'm painting, I'm being, I'm creating and I am with God. Exhale. Inhale. Hold it. Exhale. It's okay! It's going to be okay! You are going to be okay! I'm going to be okay! It's not going to kill you I promise! Breathe! Give yourself a break! It's not that serious. Give yourself a chance to relax, once second.  Just suddenly remember to smile. See! Don't you feel better? You did it, I know you did! It's great! You're beautiful, you're...

Has your heart ever been so raw that everything hurts?  No matter what it is you feel assaulted and beat down and wronged. The slightest situation makes you feel as though the world is caving in and going to end. Man!  It's tough! It's only a moment in time and it's usually a lie. I have a beautiful life. I have my peace, I have great joy, I sleep well at night and even though I experience mental illness and depression from time to time, I am well. I made a decision to love someone, knowing that someone was messed up, had never had a normal life and nothing to offer me. That's what love does.  It believes the best of everyone, it's not looking for anything for itself and it has this uncontrollable hope that springs up and believes miracles can happen, no matter what. I've spent seventeen years with and without the same man. He's done me dirty, stolen from me, made me feel less then, left me alone and left me. Underneath my anger an...