The Honeymoon Is Over

I spent most of my life, walking away, running away, letting things go and moving on.

No stability whatsoever.  My mother died right before I turned 21 and she was the only glue that held it all together.

She was good as gold and I was a selfish spoiled brat, her oldest daughter, strong and willful.  She raised me to be that way, wanted me to be stronger than she had been and this caused great rifts in our relationship from time to time.

She gave me things I didn't care about, things I didn't know how to appreciate and she introduced me to chinese food.  The chinese food is all I have left and it has been one of the greatest loves of my life.

She was a haridresser and though I didn't know it at the time, made me totally cool with all the stuff she did to my hair.

I'm 51 and I still miss her.  She would have absolutely loved all of these children or our's, the grandchildren that have come along.

From the day she died I was pretty much homeless and remained that way until seventeen years ago.

The stability is really an illusion, things could change at any given moment.

I brought my husband home a few weeks ago, I am his home, I am where he belongs and no matter what has happened in the past, we have come to a new day and new decisions.

I knew there would be those who would turn their backs on me, those who would prove just how true their friendships are and those who just wouldn't care one way or another.

People usually only love you when you're doing good, or when you're doing something that makes them happy.  Rather than support you they want you to do what they think is the right thing and they don't usually take your heart into account when these things happen.

I knew this going in.  I knew it was my decision and my life and my heart that were at stake and I knew the dangers involved when I drove to Atlanta to get him.

We've been through a lot and I said I would never let him come back but I'm full of it because my heart loves him so much no amount of time that passes between us, whether we are together or not, my heart belongs to him and continues to love him fiercely.

I knew things would change and they had been for some time to come before then.

I've been studying and deconstructing and everything I believe has changed, including what I believe about others and it's my truths, no one else's.

I've been stepping away, questioning absolutely everything, watching what really goes on and making some decisions about my future, the one where my husband is in my life and the lives of my children and grandchildren.

Life reveals all its ugly secrets to you one at a time, glimpses of what you thought was real that wasn't and it comes in seasons and cycles as it has been designed to do.  One at a time because your heart would break and kill you if you saw it all at once.

Most people don't know how or want to deal with their problems.  They are famous for sweeping them under the rug like they don't matter.  I have to face my problems head on, its just the way I'm built.  I've never had the luxury of having that broom or rug.

I already knew some things and had prepared my heart for those things in advance.  I knew people were going to reject me, reject him, I knew lines of allegiance would be drawn and every fake thing in my life would be exposed.

These things were being revealed to me the entire time he was gone but I had to brace and prepare myself for the rest.

The world is full of contradictions, like we're in this thing together but I don't owe you anything.  That's a good one.  If you don't owe me anything then there is no way we could be in this together, because you've already stated you have no obligations to me, never mind love.

I love people hard, I commit hard, everything I do has a hardness and fierceness to it.

People do what makes them feel good as long as it makes them feel good, when they have to sacrifice something of themselves or their time they usually won't do it for long.

The streets for instance, three people wanted to go and go all the time, another girlfriend would have went all the time but her husband wasn't having it and even my children only went out of obligation.  Some went once just to see what it was like and the rest just said how they were planning to go with me some time.  After a while they even stopped giving to it.  Its okay, I have no problem with it, I still love them, I'm still gonna do what I do and no amount of participation or lack thereof is going to change the course that's been set before me.

There are huge things still in store for me, things I haven't gotten to yet.

I'm not settling for the ordinary, I am a beast.

My heart has been broken again and again by people I love, it happens all the time and it happens pretty frequently.

Rather than being bitter, I am choosing to walk away and to find new people.  Yeah I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I'm not interested in excuses or prayers, I want action.

I have a handful of friends and even those change from time to time.

I get it, people have their own lives and that's just fine, I have one too, it's very busy and full and no one else can live it for me.

I am not too busy for those who are in need.  I remember where I came from and there are those who still need to be brought out.

Some people make changes but the changes aren't real, they just aren't doing dope anymore.

Everything changed when he got back here, everything is going to keep changing and whatever I can't use that stuff has to go.

I was told "he needs to come to church.", no bro, you need to be the church.

I've drug that man to church after church, service after service for the entire time we've been together, I'm not pressuring him any longer.  I'm giving him his freedom.  If he wants to lay in the bed every Sunday while I go to church, that's just fine with me, because I am so happy and thankful he's in my bed sleeping.  The church should be effective without people having to come for services.

We ran into some of "my people" and those people didn't even speak to him.  You can be polite to someone you don't even like.  He said it didn't bother him and that's just fine, but I have a huge problem with it.

Talk is cheap, people do what they want to do and all you have to is stand back and watch to see where their hearts are and what is important to them.  They choose what they will do.

He is my person and he is the most important person in the world I live in.  I can and will walk away from everything for him, to see him well, to help his life be better, to see him succeed.

I've looked at my so called friendships for the last two years.  I've called a lot of people friend who have never given me their phone number or called me, who have never invited me to their house and have never been to mine.  I have called a lot of people friend, but discovered they only love me when they see me and they were only friends because I called them that.

I'm not keeping score on anyone but I know just how excluded I've been.  They've shown me who I am to them time and time again, I just kept hanging on out of habit and my own heart's commitments.  The world is full of people, billions of them, one group does not change the entire big picture.

I know it sounds like I'm lumping everyone in together, but if the shoe fits wear it.

My allegiance is to him, to my family, to my own life, just like their's is to their's.  My sister tells me all the time, "You can't make anybody do anything" and she's so right, but people that don't do anything just don't fit into my picture.

There are so many people who talk the talk but don't do anything.  You go to them for help and they offer prayer.  You want them to show up for you and they don't, but you hear them call for you to show up for them.

With that being said, I'm walking away, I finding new people, I'm investing my time in my husband and my own life.

Everything that isn't real in your life will eventually weed itself out, you just have to recognize it and be strong enough to let it all go.

I am strong enough.

I will move forward.

I have no problem doing it alone.