Just So You Know

Yes, I'm talking to my husband again, dang it.

We should go ahead and get that out of the way right now.

I know all the things I've said, I know the things I've purposed in my heart and I know the hell he's put me through.

Grace over looks those things, forgives and forgets and stays open to give love.

It had to be God that made me take the phone call because I've been blocking numbers and hanging up on him for over a year now.

It's gonna have to be God for everything else as well.

I'm exhausted.  Sixteen years of madness.

We met in the streets, both of us full blown crack addicts, homeless, alone.

It's so dumb but I loved him the minute I laid eyes on him and didn't even know his name.

I've taken him back time and time again, gone through crazy stuff every single time, tried saving him for years.

Guess what?  I can't save him!

Guess what else?  I'm too tired to try anymore!

It would be so much easier if he weren't a nice guy, if I didn't love him, if I knew how to stop being his friend.

It's so crazy!

The day I preached about the $54,000 bottle of oil the woman at the Pharisee's house poured out on Jesus, eight years of letters stacked up on the podium in front of me, he called.

He's back in jail and says it was all God and I have no choice but to believe him because I know it's all God.  Only God could have made me answer that call because I'd sworn to never talk to him again.

My divorce has been filed and paid for and for all I know I am divorced, but I don't have the heart to tell him because he was so dang happy to hear from me.

He says he's praying for restoration in our marriage.

Really?  Seriously?

Knowing my Daddy and knowing what grace looks like, I already know the outcome, but two can play that game, so I am praying as well.

The one thing I've asked him to do he's never done.

For sixteen years I've asked him go somewhere and have plenty of places he could go.  For sixteen years he's done it his way and not honored my request and his way does not work.

I've quit trying to understand or figure out the way he's addicted, because it's obviously different for each person and there are no clear answers to be had.

My statement to God was, "Lord if you'll let me be this man's wife, I'll do anything."

Stupid girl!

You would not believe the things I've done.

Finally, he used that word!

I said to him, "You know you're going to Canaan Land right?"

"Yes,", he replied, "I will do anything to have my family back."

There's that word, anything.  I will be forever cautious for the rest of my life about using that word..

It's the first time he's used it, LOL.  He's about to find out what anything is.

No matter what it looks like from the outside looking in, over the years, time after time, we are in covenant with God, we are one flesh and one flesh cannot be separated which is why divorce has been so frowned upon in theology.

This is not the first but the second year we've been apart because I couldn't live with it anymore.  My love is not unconditional, unfortunately.

Funny thing about that is anyone who comes along who might be someone I could possibly date, no dice.  They never make it to even a first date.  They quickly vanish into whatever their lives look like and I'm still sitting here all by myself.  He recently revealed to me how He's saving my heart and someone else's, because I might have some difficult decisions to make in the very near future and if I were involved with someone that would make those decisions even more difficult and they would very likely get hurt.

My pastors are life coaching about marriage right now and there are so many more factors that come into play.

I'm saying this because I know there will be critics, there will be those who judge me, tell me I'm crazy, turn their backs on me and think they have a say in what goes on in my life with God and with him.

I'll admit I've tramped down every feeling and emotion for over a year now.  I didn't allow any kind of fondness for him to cloud my judgement or make me miss him for even a second.  I embraced my frustration and anger and made no room for him to get back in.  I didn't reminisce about our life, things that have happened, happiness or sorrow, I just kept living and moving forward and doing what needed to be done.

I've said it over and over again, "I will never take him back."

Truth be told I'm not sure I ever will, but I am his friend, I do love him, we are connected and in tune to one another completely.

I haven't told him about my Midgets because it's going to break his heart, he's sitting in jail, there's nothing he can do about it and why hurt him that way?  He talked to me that day and called me back the next morning because he said he knew something was wrong and wanted to make sure I was alright.

I don't trust him, believe anything he says and I hate what I feel like when he's here: having to know where the keys are, where my pocket book is, waking in the middle of the night to make sure he's still here.  Its no way to live with someone, always worried they are going to go off the deep and end up back in the streets, dreading what they are going to take with them when that happens.

$6000 and a car is what it cost me this last time.  Truth be told I'm not mad about the car because I bought it to protect the truck.  No sense in both of us sitting in jail, right?

He can only receive post cards where he's at this time, so there will not be stacks of letters to keep when he gets out, although I'm working on a folder of required reading for him, for when he gets to the next place in his journey and truth be told I've actually set him up to fail.  

He's got three years to do what he needs to do with God, a year in jail and two at Canaan Land and yes I know the program is only for a year, but that cat is getting two, don't care how it happens, just praying it happens.

If he's not sincere and just trying to talk game, he's going to fail.

That's three years God has to change my heart as well, because when I say I'm through, I'm through.  I'm not going to live that way ever again.  I'm not taking everything I have and handing it over ever again.  He's gonna have to cough up some effort and some provision and he's going to have to grow up.

In order to even ask me on a date, he's going to have to pull off those three years.