That One Call Changes Everything

Man oh man this love thing is something serious!

A picture is worth a thousand words right?  This picture has reeled me in time and time again.

Anyone who knows me knows the story of Antoine and me.  We've been together and apart for seventeen years.  We met in the streets, both of us addicted to crack.

Seventeen years of prison sentences, jail time, street time and then there's the precious good times, few and far between.  We've had a couple of Thanksgiving's together, a couple of birthdays together and two or three Christmas's.  We've had one anniversary together that I can remember.  Seventeen years.

He's been struggling that entire time, doing stupid stuff, hurting me, hurting himself and his mother.

I've only seen him once since he left almost two years ago and that time was frightening and sad.

I've taken calls and I've not taken calls.  I've been nice and I've been mean.  I've been hurt and I've been disappointed to the point you just have to turn it all off and keep going.

People can say whatever they like about all of it, I really don't care.  No one has ever had to hear me cry about it.  I've shed all my tears in silence and the privacy of my bedroom.

People will say they will do anything for love, but will they really?

I've been embarrassed and felt like everyone thought I was a fool but that doesn't matter because love covers a multitude of sins.  Love forgives and gives again and again, without holding grudges and without fear.

I chose him in the midst of hell.

I chose to love him no matter the odds.

I chose to take the wild ride without knowing how wild it was going to be.

I've paid my price and then some and then some more.

No matter what I say or do he keeps coming back with "I love you,", "It's okay, it's not your fault,", "Please don't give up on me," and "I want to come home."

No matter how long I don't take his calls he keeps calling until I finally do and he's never mad or fussing at me about it.

The world only sees what's wrong with him, the wrong he's done, the things he doesn't seem to be willing to fix, but I see him.  I see that gorgeous black boy standing at the end of the street the night we met, tall and proud.  I see the man who cried his eyes out watching The Notebook.  I see the man who writes me love letters, who sings to me, tries making me laugh and who dances with me where ever and when ever I ask.  I see the man who busts out singing Al Green in the Waffle House.  I see the man my heart has set itself upon, for better or worse.

I wish I could say it's been beautiful.

I wish I could tell you things have been just fine.

I wish I could give you this long drawn out happy story about what our marriage has been like, but I can't.

Seventeen years is a long time.

He's put me through hell, made me mad, disappointed me, hurt me and gave me great joy.

I love him.

I can't do anything about it and believe me I've tried.

I've only asked for one thing in all those years, step away from life, go somewhere and find God.

I've prayed, I've cried, I've waited, I've suffered, I've believed, I've started over again and again.  I've paid off all the stuff, the fines, the dope men.  I've written letters for years and spent years alone.

I've walked around feeling half complete, I've walked around feeling whole.

I don't need him, I love him.

Wednesday at 2:30 my life and his life change forever.

He's finally made the call and is going.

It's his only choice.

Go to Canaan Land for two years or we have nothing to talk about.

Love has boundaries I've discovered and mine are drawn now, I can't and won't go back. 

We have to go forward from here, try the one thing that hasn't been tried and believe for the best.

He's finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

He's finally giving me the one thing I've wanted.

It changes everything, absolutely everything!

I've promised to support him 100% if he goes.

That means for the next two years I'm going to church somewhere else, I'm showing up for all those visits, for whatever is needed of me.  I don't know what it all looks like but I know one thing for sure I will support him.

I'd also like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same for me.

I'll find out whose really riding with us during that time, who my real friends are, who really truly does love us and wants to see us succeed.

I can't be afraid, it's a lie.

When I go to pick him up it'll be the first time in almost two years my husband will have held me, will have kissed me, will have pleasantly been in my presence.

I'm turning him over to God.

We'll deconstruct later, LOL.

Pray for us.