The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I

Today was tough, full of anxiety, hard decisions and great restraint.

I thought I would be going to Atlanta, I thought we would have some sort of time window to look at, I thought the day would play out differently than it did, but its okay.

I kept hearing the Tom Petty song "The Waiting Is The Hardest Part" and having long conversations with my heart about what is the right thing for me to do.

I'm not co-dependent or an enabler, but I am a rescuer and whenever possible a fixer.  I can't help it, it's totally my nature.

All afternoon I had to replay my life, what it all looks like, what has played out already and what can I do differently.

My heart wants to go and get him.  I haven't seen him in almost two years, he's in the trap, you can flag dope boys from the front porch.  He has very little to keep him busy and hanging around the house.  He's been sick all week, because that's what relapse does to you, especially when you've been clean for a while.

You go and do the deed, you feel like a truck has hit you later, you often become physically sick like you have the flu and all you can do is sleep and eat until that part goes away.

I've got plenty for him to do here, a lot of things I could really use some help with, units that need to be cleaned out and I can't do it alone.  I can keep him busy, but is that the right thing to do?

I don't want to bring him here and he gets comfortable and decides I've given in and he doesn't have to go and take care of this.

I three way called for him because mama doesn't have long distance on her phone.  There were a few moments when my heart wanted to be afraid, to think "he's never going to do that.", but then my own memory stepped in as to what I did to get out of the streets, how I left him there, without so much as a good bye because I had to go!

If this is what he wants, if I'm what he wants, if our life together is what he wants, by God he's going to do this.

I have to step back!  I can't do anything!

This sucks!

My protection instincts are screaming.

He's just as strong as I am, he's just as capable as I am, he can do this.

I can't see his weakness or feel that sympathy that has always moved me to action in the past.

I asked my daughter in law if it was my son what would she do.  She said leave him where he is.  She also admitted she could very well be full of it, but that's what she thought.  She offered all the ways I could be supportive in the meantime, how I can get some things together for him before he leaves, call him, write him, and keep encouraging him.

My sister said, "Its not time yet."

Those two voices I'm using as the voices of reason.

Love is crazy, it makes you lose your mind, it makes you do stupid stuff and it makes difficult situations even more difficult if you let it get in the way and move you to do something you really shouldn't.

It was easy to talk myself out of it today, it was raining and the wind was blowing and my truck still isn't fixed from the accident.  Then, when I called to check on him he was actually asleep, so that's a good sign.

Living with an addict, is hiding things, keys, money, debit cards, everything you feel might be in danger.  It's a twisted up feeling in your stomach that you don't want and you can't get rid of.

I can't tell you how many times I've woke out of a dead sleep to jump from the bed and make sure he was still in the house, when he's only left me that way once, or woke up to reach over and touch him, to make sure he's still really there in the bed with me.

For now, even though I don't want it, I'm stuck with that one stopped heart beat waiting to be told he's there when I call.  It's a moment of fear and dread I've experienced time and time again and I can't shake it.

They say that fear is false evidence appearing real, and then there's the but.  But I've been though this, but this happened, but that happened, but I don't want to get tricked, but my heart has been hurt so much already.

I'm not perfect, by any means, I'm from the streets, I know how to get straight up ghetto, so many times I've reacted badly, times when I thought I was helping and I wasn't.

I've played my part in all of it, just like him.

I can be very impulsive, I make split second decisions, I am a rescuer so all of this right this second is totally against my nature, but I do know in my heart its the right way to do it.

If you know someone whose life includes an addict, give them a break, give them some encouragement, don't see them as weak or dumb because they honor the love.  You don't know what they are going through and they already feel so unloved, they need all the encouragement and cheering they can get.  They need someone to come along and remind them it's not stupid to love others, no matter how messed up those others are.

Be a safe place for them and their hearts.

Most of them will never discuss it with you, you'll never hear them complain or cry, they are in their own private hells, just like the person they love who is all messed up.

They don't need any more bad news, they've got enough to deal with.

I've spent years trying to understand it, because I used to be there, I totally remember what it all felt like.  I've come to the conclusion it's not for me to understand.  Every addict is different.

I am thankful.

I have never struggled with any of it.  I decided I was done and I was done.  I've been going to the streets ever since, without fear, without craving, without the first thought of getting high.

I am sharing this part of the journey because I know there are others who need to hear this, there are folks that need to know they aren't the only ones and I hope it helps someone else along the way.

I don't know when I'll see him, but I do know I can't just go running up and down the road playing the rescuer when it's not in either one of our best interest.

I have to stand back and let him fly on his own.

I have to trust that's he's all the strength and power I've seen.

Whether it makes me feel helpless or not, this one time I don't get to and can't do anything but wait..

The waiting is the hardest part.  ;)