The Deconstruction of Darlene

Over the last year or so I've come to a new place in my journey.

I friended someone on social media who taught me how to ask questions, how to look for answers, how to use my own brain concerning spiritual matters and God.

By the way the picture is of the street corner I used to buy drugs on and prostituted from.

I've been keeping it to myself for many reasons but mostly because it is mine and mine alone and I didn't want to share it with anyone until I was sure where I stood concerning everything religious.

Lines are going to be drawn, people who I thought were my friends are going to reject me and walk away, others have already done so.

My husband came home for the first time in almost two years in January and before he arrived I made a decision to walk away from everything and dedicate my time and energy to his wellness.  So far so good.  He's working, has some clean time, is selfishly protecting his sobriety and I'm okay with that.

First it was Preterism and the belief that all events mentioned in the bible has already been fulfilled and is finished.

Then I moved into the Israel Only camp.  Israel only is the text being only about the tribe of Israel and dealing with their story and their God.  Matthew 15 24 says and Jesus said to her I have only come for the lost tribe of Israel.  I still believe a large portion of both.

I met someone else who asks the best questions and assured me if I thought I had an experience with God, then I had an experience with God and no one could discredit or discount that belief.

I still believe I had an experience with God, but I no longer need that belief to live my life and identify myself with.

Along the way I began to observe those who said they love me.  I began to watch what others did who claimed to love God.

It was a very lonely and confusing place for a little while.

Relationships I had began to fall apart, not because of my belief but because people just don't do things for long.  They do what makes them feel good until it doesn't make them feel good any longer.

Truth be told I set some of them up, just to see where their hearts were and stood back to watch.

I'd like to say they came through for me, but that is not the case.

I've actually found a flaw in their grace message.  Grace people don't have to show up because they are free and because they are free they mostly don't show up.

It's been almost five months now, haven't been to church, heard from a hand full of people and I mean a hand full.  (The pastor, his wife, his mother who is my best friend, a girlfriend or two.)  All those other people who said they loved me every Sunday they saw me, not even an "I miss you,", or "why haven't you been to church?" message.

Not one single man has reached out to my husband and they all used to be drug addicts themselves.

Anyway, so what?  Who cares?  My life didn't revolve around any of them in the first place, they were just a part of it and I gave way too much allegiance to them and not enough to him until now.

During that time I began to ask my own questions, dig for my own answers and reject their message of love and grace altogether.  "We're in this together."  No we are NOT.  I'm in this with my husband and him alone.  "We show up for one another."  No hell you do NOT, because I remember specifically asking and everyone went ghost and now they are no longer welcome.

I roamed around in the rooms, learning, trying to figure some things out, watching the academics and scholars argue just like "the christians" and then something new and wonderful and eye opening happened.  A historian produced another theory to consider and that was it for me.  My spirit screams every day it's true and I really don't care who believes me or agrees, never did in the first place.

I am in the myth camp, now and forever.  It's all a myth and you will never ever convince me that a copyright rip off religion has a true and living character attached to it.

Why?  You might ask.

I believe it that's why.

I don't buy into the bible says the bible says rhetoric and never did.  I always operated out of a place of love that was my own, still is my own and will remain my own for all of my life.  I don't need a god or a religion or even a belief system to be who I am, to love like I do.

Jesus is a myth, just like all the other gods in religion.

With that being said you can keep your persecution and accusations and all your little religious sayings and threats because I have never ridden the proverbial amen train and I never will.  Hell, I lived in a tent in the woods on Fulton Industrial Boulevard for three years, I'm not scared of anything.

Ignorance may be bliss but not for me.  I want more,  have to know more, I'm sick of this religion eating it's wounded and destroying anyone in it's path that doesn't agree.

God is love.

Yeah okay.

Where's that love in the world amongst his people, hard as hell to find that's where.  Those who remain in my life are those people, the ones who really love, who can do that past their religion, who were absolutely wonderful and loving from birth.

If you need a god to be loving then you're just a shit head to begin with.

I'm never turning back, I don't care what anyone thinks or says, they don't have to live my life, they don't even want to be a part of it in the first place, so whatever!

What I believe and what I can prove are two different things, but the burden of proof actually lies on the people who buy into the bullshit.

I have deconstructed to my own truths, I have gone off the deep end and used my own brain and I will never ever return to the beliefs I once held true.

Think about it.  A book that has nothing to do with anyone living today, the scholars still haven't completely figured out, everyone has argued over for two thousand years.  It's full of metaphors, poetry, myths, legends and you want me to believe the central character is real?  Get the hell outta here.  Do you hear how crazy that actually sounds?

The Romans created it, they always hijacked other people's religions, they had a holy war on their hands and people were already looking for a savior.  They gave them a passive, turn the others cheek, love your enemy, hang out with those no one else loves messiah.  It's a great message but it's a myth, just like the character it's built around.

There are no writings by Jesus and he was not illiterate according to the text.  Everyone else was writing, but not him.  Yeah okay.

I'm not even going to go into all of it, because it would absolutely take weeks and months and years to unpack it all for you.

I encourage you to ask questions, to begin using your own brain, shake the indoctrination off and use some damned logic for a change!  Snakes don't talk, donkeys don't talk, no one ever lived inside the belly of a fish for three days and Jesus is a myth.  They can prove all these others lived but not him?  Myth.

I don't care what people will say, most won't even be surprised because they really know me as a person and I'm always full of surprises and liable to say anything at any give moment in the first place!

Most will dismiss me, others will attack me, others still will walk away, but there will be one or two who trust me enough to accept the challenge of finding their own answers, asking their own questions and still love me regardless.

Do I still believe there is a God?

Yes.

What kind of God, a passive, doesn't interfere should love his creation so much more God and with children starving to death in Africa he's still suspect..

I don't know, I just know I never did and I never will drink the kool aid.

I love you all so much.

What I believe should not affect your love for me but if it does, rock on, you really didn't love me in the first place and we both know it.

Darlene's religious beliefs have left the building.